roommateless and pensive

Ate Jackie, my roommate this summer, apparently doesn't have plans of sleeping in our room. I only met her thrice - when she came in to get some stuff at around 8 am (I haven't slept a wink then so I was too groggy and sleepy to talk to her; I've had another insomnia attack...), when she decided to wait for her Math 100 class (she relaxed on her bed then), and when she just came in for like 10 seconds while I was practicing an etude from Sensei (I only had enough time to smile at her, then she was gone). And so that leaves me practically alone... every night.


And since there's really no one to talk to and nothing to distract me - except perhaps when my internet connection suddenly goes out and I learn that the girl who owns the room where my port is actually uses my port without permission - often I end up staring at the ceiling or the floor or the line of ants on the wall while thinking.



I don't remember all of what I think about. But this evening, I've had a tough job controlling my emotions. Do I get angry or sad when my dorm friends don't call me during dinner time? Do I get angry when somebody's irritated because a certain event starts late? Do I get hurt when somebody else gets recognized for rendering the same service that I'm actually rendering? Do I get hurt when people leave me alone when I actually want company? Do I get hurt when people say 'good night' when I still want to talk?




I don't know if there really is ample justification for hurt, but I do know that it's an emotion that's been bugging me these days. Is it just me and my uber sensitive self? Or is it the people around me? Are they being insensitive? Or am I overly sensitive?



I'm supposed to be finishing a report for tomorrow. But I find that I'm too lonely to say anything about a terribly long text (about wars between cousins) which has existed around the time the Book of Job was written. Funny... Book of Job. What I would call the Book of Pain and Patience. Patience, the very virtue I would so like to have now. I remember some bumper sticker which says: "Lord, I need patience. And I need it NOW!"



Lord, how long? Anytime soon? Later? Sooner? I am tired. But I cling to You.




"And when I am alone, when I am alone,
when I am alone, give me Jesus."