Indecision

"There are certain times when I feel that I'm pretty sure about what God wants. But then, most of the time, I get disappointed because that certainty turns out to be something based upon 'feeling' alone."

I sighed as I told my friend this. We were walking back from the Shopping Center after dinner. I had met him with a couple of other dormers in a stall which we frequented. I had just come from a meeting of graduating students in CAL. I was just too tired to finish my meal. Gladly, one of my friends ate the rest of my meal.

I always sighed whenever I felt frustrated. The friend I walked with always asked the question, "Para saan naman yang buntong-hiningang iyan?" That evening, though, he did not ask me such question. But I explained myself anyway. I knew he would somehow understand. And somehow I knew that he didn't need to ask the question. Thinking these assumptions, I now feel as though I'm becoming over-confident again. Hayy... I never learn...

There are many things to let go of this semester. There are many commitments to rethink. Sometimes I feel swayed to agree to certain things. And in my blind agreement, I hope that things will turn out to be fine. But maybe, I hope too much, that my head swims in the clouds and I forget that my feet are still planted on the ground. Yes, the ground is hard. It's harder when you fall from the sky onto it.

I bet you don't understand most of the things I'm saying. Hayy... sometimes, I think I don't need to be understood. But forgive me. For this entry, I'm just stating what comes to my mind. Things that are important to me. Things that are crucial. And actually, I want very much to be understood. Yes, I want that. For me, to be understood means to be accepted. And I thank that friend I walked with for understanding me... sometimes even more than I understand myself.

It's been a long week. And I just want to lie in bed as the rain falls outside my window. I just want to sleep, hoping that when I wake up, things will be better and clearer. I hope that when I wake up I will know what God wants for me to do with the rest of my wretched and listless life.