suyo

"Pakisuyo lang po," the driver of the Ikot jeepney said. And a student passed the fare to him.

Suyo. A word that sounds affectionate and tender. But it only means 'to pass on,' I think. I first heard it from a guy who called my then-single Tita on the phone. "Pakisuyo lang po kay Lian," he had said in a friendly and warm voice. How can such a small word sound so full of emotion?

***

"Okay lang yun. Saved ka naman, di ba?" he had said when I told him about my fears. He laughed and added that it was just a joke. I told him that I was starting to learn how it was to feel afraid of dying, as he himself had once feared. The thing is, I wasn't afraid of dying per se. I was afraid of dying in a cruel way.

"May dahilan naman siguro kung bakit ina-allow ka ni God na maramdaman yang fear na yan," he said after falling silent for some time.

"Siguro, tinuturuan Niya akong magtiwala sa Kanya?" I suggested. I sounded like a child seeking a parent's approval.

"Siguro rin, tinuturuan ka Niya kung pano magdeal sa mga taong kagaya niya."

A statement that I found quite hard to swallow. It wasn't suyo at all. He just passed it onto me like it was a block of stone that needed to be carried no matter how hard it was.

Dear friend, did I pass on the burden to you? Didn't I do it with ample tenderness and affection? Because you made it clear to me how hard it was.

"Bakit ka umiiyak? Natatakot ka pa ba?"

"Oo. Hehe."

"San ka naman natatakot?"

Again, silence crashes to the floor. The sound of silent mouths curved in O's.

"May mga bagay na hindi pa dapat sinasabi ngayon."

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Lord, I'm so afraid... May I hide in Your presence now...