hopeless

Once you drop a subject, you cannot pick it up again.

Today is the last day for dropping subjects. I've been considering dropping my thesis class since I wasn't getting anywhere. I was losing interest in it. But then, when I thought about it, I was generally losing interest in all my subjects. I was losing interest in my course. Why bother? Dropping it wouldn't solve this coldness and disillusionment.

I've incurred so many absences in my major subjects already. It's hard to pinpoint the reason for this. Maybe I'm tired. Tired of all the lose ends hanging, the absence of closure, the vague signs and silences. Tired of the essays without conclusions. Tired of guessing how this is all going to end.

I'm tired of hoping.

Escape has been lingering inside my mind for quite some time now. But where to? I've been escaping into so many corners of this world, so many states of mind, that I couldn't think of any more recourse. I'm tired. Really, I'm tired.

I just want to drop things and never pick them up again.

I'm tired of hoping.