catch me a dragonfly

I used to chase dragonflies because I couldn't catch them. My father caught them for me. He had this scooping action with his right arm which I never learned. When I was in first grade and I was diagnosed of asthma, we would go to the beach every afternoon to breathe in the cool and clean breeze. On the sand, there were these creeping water plants, probably washed ashore by large waves during storms. The dragonflies lived among them. My brother, some playmates and I would try to catch them. I couldn't keep still. That was probably why I couldn't quietly walk behind a dragonfly and catch it by the tail.

But those were years ago, I'm afraid. I didn't realize that I would have to face the same lesson again. I've been emotionally tired this past week, perhaps because I had expectations of myself that I didn't meet. I wanted to learn to keep still. But I was tossed and tumbled like some driftwood at sea. I'm tired of being a driftwood; I hate drifting because I'm not getting anywhere. I hate having no direction. Maybe I've anchored my decisions on certain hypotheses. Like if this happened, I would do this. If this is said, I would say this. But those happenings haven't come to pass. And those words haven't arrived. I've been waiting. And maybe I was actually waiting for nothing.

I'm disappointed with myself because I relied on my own wretched way of thinking. I failed to see that some things may not be meant for me... no matter how much I wanted them, or even loved them. I'm tired of being this needy person that I am, because when my needs are met by some circumstance or another, I tend to dwell on that circumstance and wish to stay within its confines forever. But no, I achieve nothing by enclosing myself in my own dreamworld.

I've been escaping so many times that I've actually trapped myself. I'm trapped in the mechanism of escape each time I experience pain. I am afraid of pain. I've always been afraid of pain because I've experienced it so many times already. And on all those times, I've never freed myself from the sad memories.

It's time to wake up and catch dragonflies by the tail. Or maybe learn that scooping motion that my father never taught me. I know the right thing to do, but I'm still too afraid and too weak to do it. Please give me some time to forgive and forget.